My sister, and my music

It's coming up for a year since my sister died. Quite apart from the constant amazement I wake up with at the speed with which the second worst year of my life has slid by (the worst year of my life was the year leading up to her death. Nothing takes your breath and energy away like total and utter helplessness. Grief is a terrible thing, but I think helplessness might be worse), I am increasingly visited by strange dreams that feature her, and as I commute to and from work, music plays over and over in my head. All this music is associated with my sister. In our teens she was a massive fan of disco music. Some of it I have on my IPod. Some of what I have on my IPod I have listened to over this last year and really enjoyed. Earth Wind and Fire. Michael Jackson, Smoky Robinson, Imagination. Some of it has made me smile with memories of my teenagehood with her. Donna Summer. Oops Upside Your Head. Some of it has reduced me to helpless tears. Try having three sisters, losing one, and then listening to Sister Sledge performing We Are Family....I Got All My Sisters With Me. I used to love dancing around the floor with both of my sisters when that track was played. These days if I do hear it on the radio by chance I just feel bitter. Well aren't YOU the bloody lucky ones having all your sisters with you. I don't have all mine with me any more. That song just sounds smug to my ears now. It's not fair. How come Sister Sledge gets to keep all their sisters? Or Madonna singing the track Jump. My sisters and me, my sisters and me...right now it feels like a conspiracy by divas to emphasise my loss.  And some of it is so painful that I can't listen to it at all, though equally I can't bear to erase it from my online collection. These are songs she loved that I don't like at all, but I downloaded them to feel closer to her. Shakatak. Shalimar. Heatwave. Donna Summer and Barbra Streisand singing No More Tears. Bill Withers. Ain't No Sunshine When You're Gone....music has always been a potent evoker of emotion. Any decent musician worth their downloads knows that. I've always been musical as well as a fan of music. This is the first time music has played such havoc with my emotions though. How is it possible that music can be so duplicitous? So uplifting and inspiring one moment, so motivating another, so flipping depressing seconds after that? Presumably because good music mirrors life. Let's be honest. This last year has been awful and has been hard, and next year will also be awful and will also be hard, and so will many years after that. But this year has also held many joys. Milestones in the lives of the younger people in our family, including my sister's kids. Great holidays. Canoeing down the River Wye in South Wales was a personal highlight. No space for grief when you're fighting to keep your canoe afloat in strong headwinds. Contrary to what the movies tell you, you don't spend the year after a bereavement in hiding. Life is inexorable and takes you with it.