Seasonal coat buying trauma

Why is it so difficult to buy a coat? No other item of clothing causes me this much prevarication and trauma. It can take me between 6 months and 2 years to find the perfect coat, whereas I can scoop up a sweater or a dress without a second's thought, without even trying them on, and shoes are a mechanical, perfunctory, joyless purchase that I make so that I can hit the ground running - literally - usually on the tube. I am in fact schizophrenic about fashion generally. I want to exude elegance, classicism and contemporary style. At the same time, I want to hold in my muffin top, hide my bingo wings, cater to my obstinately flat feet, and ensure I am able at any moment to a) flee from terrorist attacks, b) jog if necessary to my kids' school, c) carry bags of food shopping from the office to the house without getting a shoe heel stuck in the pavement, and c) cause permanent toe or back damage from ill fitting footwear. Fashion and practicality simply do not meet, but nowhere do they cause a more perfect storm than in the coat purchase. Here is what I think I need from a coat. I need effortless style, a coat that I can add a contrast colour belt to, one that goes as well with an evening sequin studded clutch as it does my all purpose classic Kate Spade leather tote. And here is what I need from a coat. I need one that does not look too tight by the end of the day due to the huge comfort lunch I had after a particularly long and boring morning of meetings. I need one I can fold up and chuck with total impunity into the locker in the gym changing room. I need one I can wear a backpack with that contains my workgear, without causing button strain or bunching inelegantly at the shoulders. I want a bright coat, but one that I can wear with anything. I want a smart coat, but I need it to be waterproof and since I have a lifelong aversion to umbrellas, it has to have a hood without looking geeky. I want it short so it can show off my legs to advantage, and I want it long so my legs are warm in the winter. I want pockets so I can put my Oyster card, housekeys, staff pass and loose cash somewhere reliable, but I want a clean line in the cut so no pockets. Consequently I run hither and thither, caught between fashion influence ( I need a military coat! I need a khaki parka!), and practical realities of my work and domestic requirements. The sad truth is that in the end, if you are going to purchase a coat that really does all that a working Mum needs, all roads lead to Boden. And this is really depressing, because Boden coats are a fixture on North London buses and I refuse to add to the daily contingent of waterproof Autumn florals. Yuk. I think I would rather drown. So there is only one other way. And that is, to buy loads of coats. A long one. A short one. A hoodie. A classic. A trench for when it drizzles but doesn't actually rain properly. A fleece jacket for walks in the woods. An all purpose shapeless nasty black thing for Economy class all nighters. A smart red long coat made of posh wool for business travel that can be bundled into an overhead locker and still come out looking good the other side. A cape, because there is a fashion for capes, though of course I can only wear this on the days I don't go to the gym (ever tried wearing a backpack and a cape? Makes you look like Batman caught in a winch. Don't go there.) And since I go to the gym every day, the cape gets worn for 5 minutes on a non rainy Saturday eve between car and pub.  A gilet, because that is as useless as a cape with the one difference that it can accommodate a backpack. A silver frippery coat to throw over party dresses, strictly non wet Summer evenings only. A parka with pockets big enough to accommodate tupperware tubs full of school fete food offerings. Honestly. It's a nightmare. There really is only one other way to do this. Pack up and move to a warm climate.