Hair protocol at the gym

I've been growing my hair. I mean, like, seriously going for it. I started around 18 months ago and now it falls below my shoulders, or it would if it weren't so curly.  And the longer it's got, the more issues it has created. Firstly, baking. I've never had to think about hair getting into cake mix but this is now getting embarrassing. I think it's been three times that a guest, manfully diplomatic, has extracted a long, brown strand from a slice of pumpkin cheesecake, murmuring, yours I think? and placing it on the side of their plate. Um yes, I stammer each time, but hey, at least you know it's clean, right? After the third time I started pinning back my hair. I'm getting close to the point of having to wear one of those weird shower caps that industrial sandwich makers have to put on. I'm not quite pretentious enough to wear a chef's hat and besides, there's no chef's hat in the world that could accommodate my Brian May look. Curly hair grows out. It grows up. It defies gravity. It resists, stubbornly, anything resembling plaits, pigtails or sidecombs. It is a friend of the Alice Band, as long as you don't mind never finding your Alice Band again. Twice I've woken up at night with something uncomfortable digging into my face only to discover that an alice band I put on the day before simply nestled so far into my curls that I forgot that it was there. One upside of wildly long curly hair, is envious looks. Honestly, if you want a textbook case study to illustrate the principle that The Grass Is Always Greener, check out hair. I often get approving comments from people about my hair. Is it natural? it's so thick and well, curly! - what do you put on it? Mine's so boring and straight... there are days when I crave straight hair, principally hot days, because at least you can bundle it all up and it'll stay there. Mine? Any contact with so much as a plastic barette and it declares mutiny. What to do, then, at the gym? There is only one look at the gym and that is, hair scraped back. This is very important. If you don't scrape your hair back the message is that you are simply not serious about your exercise. It also says, EEEE-WWWW. Hair not tied back is a vehicle for your sweat to distribute itself across the exercise mats, leaving slug like trails in its wake. So I go for, like, a double Alice Band effect. One at the front to keep the curls from falling forward over my face like a human waterfall. And the other in the middle of my head likewise to trap the hair at the side. The stuff at the back I can't do much about but at least I can't see it so whatever it gets up to when I work out, it's only a problem for people behind me. Honestly, I probably look like Darcy Bussell in a tango with Dumbo the Flying Elephant. But try counting the number of people in the gym who actually pull off a look that improves their image. Really, we all sacrifice our dignity to some extent the minute we put on our lycra tops. Why not just complete the humiliation with a full on Alice Band Attack. The one comfort I take from this as I regard myself forlornly and somewhat apologetically in the unforgiving mirrors which seem to be EVERYWHERE at my gym, is that as I look around, most people seem similarly self preoccupied. What's the worst they can be thinking? Thank goodness she looks even weirder with her trapped hair, than I do with my blu-tac'd moustache.