Centreparcs and your inner child

I haven't blogged for a while. Work and general awfulness have taken over, and as a result I reached for the Centerparcs website and decided to hit one of their villages for a long weekend of manufactured decompression.  Over the years we have experimented with different Centerparcs venues and have settled on Elveden Forest, because it fulfils two basic criteria: it's the closest. And it's the flattest. Flat is important when fulfilling the Centerparcs rule of no cars on The Land. That means bikes and I am a total fair weather cyclist. If there are hills, I'm not doing it. So a huge flat space that extends into forest that you can cycle in for hours is perfect. But Centerparcs also means making a total prat of yourself on water slides and fake rapids along with other parents and their kids, and unruly teenagers, and young couples, and, well, basically most combinations of human groups. The rapids in particular are a dignity-free venue. I must have ended up half on top of some total stranger at least ten times, spewed out at the end into a deep pool with a group of people I never met before, and frankly after the second or third time you give up adjusting your swimsuit and apologising. Nobody gives a damn. They're all too busy having fun. And after a while, so do you. Here are my top faves at Centerparcs: going on a Segway for the first time ever. Going down The White Slide so often I got a hole in the seat of my swimsuit and carpet burns on my derriere. Cycling along the lake early in the morning to buy a paper. Fast and furious badminton matches with my kids. And here are the things that routinely drive me nuts at Centerparcs: it must have the worst mattresses ever in the history of overnight accommodation. What were they thinking? That Brits prefer to sleep on lumpy and bumpy? Then there are the ducks. Thousands of them, attuned to the sound of any rustling of bags which they take to mean, duck feed time. At which point they gather round your French window  and stage an invasion. No duck feed? Attack. Centerparcs is the first place I ever got a duck bite. Who even knew ducks bit?? And bitten when I was reading a paper in the open lounge, minding my own business. What else? Smoke alarms that go off if you switch the toaster on. Talk about being risk averse.  Smoke alarms that go off if the kettle steams too much (smoke alarm does not differentiate between smoke and steam - anything resembling a plume triggers the panic button).  But hey. I am someone who has a pathological aversion to anything resembling camping, and Centerparcs teeters on the edge. However, for another go on the White Slide or an off road trip on a Segway, I am prepared to put up with quite a lot. Even a manic smoke alarm. And the mattress? I brought a sleeping bag and put the sofa cushions on the floor. Result.