Doing your face on the tube

By and large, I am unimaginative when it comes to make up. Though every so often I have a blow out at Bobbi Brown or I'm tempted by some candy coloured product at Clinique or Shu Uemura (is that how you spell it??), mostly my make up application regime takes me all of 5 minutes, which would be comical for others if they watched me do it, except that I would never let them. I slap it all on, grab my bag and go. So I always react with consistently unfeigned horror when I find myself sat opposite a woman in the tube who has elected to bring the entire contents of her boudoir with her so she can spend her commute applying it all minutely and obsessively to her face. For me, applying make up on the tube is right down there with eating burgers on the tube, and snogging on the tube. These are things people love to do, that need to be confined to their homes, because all of these behaviours are revolting for others to have to witness, and in a sardine can of a tube carriage, it's not like we have much choice in the matter.  Today's guest star of the Commuter Make Up School was a wannabee rocker, complete with frayed pink skirt that barely came below her bum cheeks, torn black tights, glittery cutaway top, blue and white hair, and goth earrings. She looked to be in her mid thirties and so huge was her make up bag that she struggled to extricate it from her Marc Jacobs from Debenhams black and pink shopper (how do I know it was a Marc Jacobs creation? His name was ALL OVER it. This is another fashion statement I fail to understand. Why would I want to carry a bag with someone else's name scrawled all over it??) With covert, revolted fascination I watched this woman with one eye while the other read the Times online on my IPad. The amazing grossness of commuter make up appliers lies in the behavioural quirk that makes it possible for them to squeeze blackheads, trim eyebrows, curl lashes and even dye their moustaches, with total insouciance. This one was no exception. A woman with many breakouts, probably due to all the make up she cakes on her face, she spent around 4 tube stops excavating them. Another 4 tube stops covering up each spot, obsessively, with some evil looking green gloop. Then she applied foundation in a thick liquid using a brush that went over her face at least five times. Then powder. Lots of it. Then blusher. Then four types of eyeshadow. Then I had to get off the tube. Luckily it was my stop but if it weren't I might have had to get off anyway, to find somewhere to throw up.You pretty much never see women doing the sort of make up touch up in the tube that magazines exhort you to have the kit ready to do - a quick dab of lipstick, a smart brush of blusher, a stroke of highlighter to freshen your complexion before your night begins or en route to that important meeting or job interview. You only ever see women applying make up on the tube who slap it on like clowns. Maybe it's a pastime. I do the crossword. She does a full make up. I read the paper. She applies false nails. I review my travel documents. She sharpens her eyelash curler.